10 reasons why
by when love was kind
Summary: "hello boys and girls. alya cesaire here. live and in stereo. i hope you're ready, because i'm about to tell you the story of my life. more specifically, why my life ended. and if you are listening to these tapes... you're one of the reasons why." alya/nino au
1. prologue

_prologue_

 _nino_

alya césaire. the girl who committed suicide. i wish that i could say that her death didn't hit me as hard as it did, but i'd be lying. alya's death ruined me. even the mere sight of her locker covered in brightly coloured pictures and letters as a memorial was too much. i squeezed my eyes shut as i passed by, heading to first period. i barely spoke that day, what could i even say?

suicide. it's a word that demands attention as soon as you hear it. even though it is just seven words, it tells a story that never has a happy ending. alya's story ended with a handful of pills while her parents were away. she was alone.

i come home from school with the intention to lay down in my bed for a while, the day had left me feeling empty and drained and i wanted nothing more than sleeping. that changed the second i saw a box leaving on the doorway. i could clearly see my name scribbled messily on top of the wrapping, nino lahiffe. i pick up the package and turn it around, looking for a return address. when i don't find any, i take the package to the kitchen and set it down on the table.

i fish through the junk drawer and take out a pair of scissors. i run the blade along the tape keeping the box closed and gently pull the lid off, hoping that i don't break any of the contents. there lying inside the box was a tube of rolled up bubble wrap. i carefully unroll the wrap, revealing ten cassette tapes. on each tape is a blue number, one to ten painted on the corner on each side.

i pick up a tap and examine it carefully, who even listens to audiotapes anymore? do i even have anything to listen to them with? i grab the box and walk to my room. after a few moments, i finally dig up the old stereo my dad bought years ago at a yard sale.

i set it down on my bed, picking up the first tape. what is this? is this a good idea? maybe this is a mistake, someone dropped it off at the wrong apartment.

my curiosity gets the better of me as i pop it in and press play.

 _hello boys and girls._

no, it can't be.

 _alya césaire here. live and in stereo._

the all too familiar voice flows out of the stereo. no, i can't believe, i don't want to. alya's dead, she's gone, she killed herself.

 _no return engagements. no encore. and this time absolutely no requests._

i feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach.

 _i hope you're ready, because i'm about to tell you the story of my life. more specifically, why my life ended. and if you are listening to one of these tapes… you're a reason why._

wait… oh, god, no.

 _i will not say which tape you are on. have no fear, if you receive this lovely little box, your name will pop up somewhere… i promise._

i feel the slight twang of a headache in the making behind my left eyebrow, wincing and dropping my head to my hands.

 _give me one, just one reason a dead girl would lie. i guarantee you can't think of one._

nononono. my breathing hitches and breaths become shallow. i take off my glasses and squeeze my eyes shut. hard. this can't be happening.

 _the rules are very simple, all of you should be able to understand them because there's only two. rule number on-_

there is a loud knock on my bedroom door. i fumble for the pause button, pressing all the buttons in my panicked attempt.

* * *

"nino, what are you doing in here?" my mom calls from the other side of the door, opening it a few seconds later and walking over to where i'm sitting.

"uh nothing, just listening to some tapes for an english project." i stammer while taking off my headphones.

"ooh, sounds fun. can i listen too?" she asks, smiling, and reaching for another tape.

"no," i say, quickly and a little harsher which makes her look at me with a raised eyebrow. "sorry, the tapes aren't mine, plus they're really boring. i'm helping adrien out." i explain.

"aw, that's awfully nice of you," she smiled, setting the tape down and ruffling my hair. "i guess i'll leave you to it." she kissed my forehead before standing up and leaving.

i let out a sigh of relief as the door closes. my fingers hover over the play button. pressing play the first time was easy, i didn't know what was on them, but this time, it's the most terrifying thing i've ever done. i turn the volume down and with the little courage i have, i press play.

* * *

 _rule number one, listen. rule number two, pass it on. i hope neither will be easy for you._

i hear the hint of a smile in her voice, why? why does she find this funny as she tears my life and everyone who gets these tapes apart?

 _once you finish all ten sides, rewind each tape, put them back in the box, and pass it on to whoever is next. if you're lucky number ten, you take the tapes straight to hell. i'll meet you there!_

what if i'm number ten? god, i don't think i could handle that. the weight of being the last one would be too much.

 _don't even think of breaking the rules, i did make a copy of these tapes that will be released in a very public way if this doesn't make it through every last one of you. this was not just a random decision. you are being watched._

* * *

my stomach clenches, making me feel just about ready to throw up. i didn't know alya. we weren't friends. i mean, we both worked at a movie theatre together since we were both starry eyed freshman looking for a job, but that didn't make us friends. believe me, i always wondered what it would be like if we were closer. i wanted to, but i waited to long. she's gone. i missed my chance.

i never took alya for granted, not once. this is probably a mistake, i shouldn't have these. someone probably just sent me a copy, they'll laugh when they see me tomorrow or smirk and look away.

* * *

 _oh, i almost forgot. if you are in my list, you should have gotten a map._

i let out a heavy sigh, i am on the list. i found an envelope in my locker just a few days before she died. the outside of the envelope said: DO NOT THROW AWAY - YOU WILL NEED THIS in pink sharpie. the map had a bunch of stars in different places all across town.

i remember putting the map in my backpack, i wanted to show it around. i can't be the only one with it, there had to be someone else. it soon became buried under notebooks and textbooks, forgotten until now.

 _i'll be talking about several spots in the lovely city we live in. i can't force you to go to them for obvious reasons, but if you want a little more insight, head for the stars. or throw the map away. it's not like i'll know._

i look over at my backpack lying on the floor with contents spilled everywhere, alya's map is buried there somewhere.

 _or maybe i will. i don't know how the whole being dead thing works. who knows? maybe i'm standing next to you right now?_

her musical laugh spills out of the speaker. normally, it would make me smile but now it makes my stomach drop. what did i do that made alya want to kill herself?

 _so anyways, you ready mr. kim?_

* * *

 _a/n: {update 4/20/2017} i have recieved several reviews so far so i am going to add at the beginning that this is a_ 13 reasons why _au. i am in no way romanticizing any topics covered in this story, if it seems like i do, please don't hesitate to let me know so i can fix it. this story is from nino's pov and not alya's. i recognize that there are several grammatical errors, grammar is not my forte, so once this story is completed, i will fix it. i apologise for any earlier errors._


	2. tape 1 side a

tape 1, side a

nino 

i take a steadying breath before hitting play once again. alya's voice returns, making my throat tighten.

 _"so anyways, are you ready mr. kim?"_

i instantly sit up. lê chin kim. a boy in our class. they had a thing back in sophomore year. but wait, why do i know that?

 _"kim, you were my first kiss. but that's the thing. just my first kiss. why, did you hear something else?"_

the thing is, i did hear something else. we all did. the first day of sophomore year, kim told everyone that they were together in… that way. that's what he told everyone. i had a hard time believing it. alya never seemed like that type of girl. or at least the alya i knew.

 _"i don't know why i liked you. maybe because of how nice you were to me back in freshman year, and at that stupid summer camp our parents made us both go to. oh, god, i was so overjoyed to see you there that first day._

i was convinced that i was in love. i thought you were perfect in every way, you were like a knight in shining armor during freshman year and at camp. you didn't know how wrong i was about you. everything changed when school started again."

kim, from the few interactions i've had with him throughout the years, seems to be a pretty decent guy. he's respected, but obviously not by alya.

 _"before i get into that, i need to tell you what happened that summer. since we were the only people we knew there, we hung out every day, and we just kept getting closer and closer. until that last night when you asked if i wanted to take a walk with you after curfew. i remember feeling my heart swell, maybe you liked me the way i liked you."_

* * *

wait, pause. i need to think.

why would alya send out these tapes blaming others for her suicide? why am i even listening to this?

the answer is simple, because it's alya.

it's her voice. i never thought i'd hear it again. now here i am, listening to it. i get to hear her voice one last time, and i'm not giving that up.

* * *

 _"you came by my cabin after curfew and took me around to the other side of camp. we laid by the water, hair fanning out from under me. back then, i had long hair if you don't remember. we talked and laughed for a while and then watched the sunset like in one of the cliché romantic movies._

 _"just as the sun set, you looked at me and stared at my lips. i caught on pretty fast because i leaned in at the same time you did. that was my first kiss. you want to know what happened next?"_

yes.

and no.

 _"you, lê chin kim, walked me back to my cabin. you gave me another kiss goodnight, and one more the next day before we left. that was all we ever were. three kisses. but that isn't what you told everyone._

 _you told everyone that we kept kissing, all the way back to your cabin, that i took my shirt off, and you know the rest. there are so many different stories of what happened that night, but you guys want to know the least popular one? the truth."_

i remember seeing kim on the first day of school, laughing at alya as she walked by. i didn't understand why until the rumor reached me. since at that time, i didn't know her that well, the rumor overshadowed everything i knew about her.

 _"i thank you from the bottom of my heart, kim. thank you for an amazing first kiss, even though it didn't last._

 _"'a kiss? that's one of the reasons you killed yourself?' you're all probably thinking. well, not necessarily. it was a rumor that tarnished something i hoped would be special._

 _"a rumor, based on a kiss. this is just the beginning. turn the tape over."_

i bring my finger to the stop button, just about to press it.

 _"oh, and kim, sweetie. stick around. trust me, you'll want to know where else your name pops up."_

* * *

i listen for anything else, but only hear the soft hum of the speakers. the story is over. i walk over to where my bag is lying on the floor, digging through everything until i find the map. i do my best to smooth out all the creases and stand up. i need an easier way of listening to these tapes. a name flashes in my mind: adrien.

adrien isn't really a friend. i mean, we've worked on a few projects together, but that's pretty much it. i remember from the few times that i've been to his house that he has an old walkman that plays tapes. i'm positive he'll let me borrow it. i grab the next few tapes and stuff them in my pockets before walking through the apartment to the door.

"nino, are you going to be back for dinner?" my mom calls from the kitchen.

"no, i'm going to help adrien with that project." i lie with ease, turning the doorknob.

"i'll leave something in the fridge that you can heat up later. have fun!" she yells as i walk out.

next stop, adrien's.

* * *

 _a/n: well, that took over a month to update. i apologize for the delay, junior year wrapping up with psats and stuff has been crazy. i wanted to squeeze in an update before finals start. i also wanted to add that while some of the characters may seem a little ooc, this is an au after all, and i try to keep them as in character as possible, as well as the fact that i am going off of the book by jay asher because i feel that the show does not handle the topic of suicide well and is not very considerate of people struggling with suicide. the book, in case anyone has not read it, is more sensitive about the topic and does not "glorify" suicide in the way the tv show does. i am sorry for any confusion on that part. i hope you enjoyed this chapter._

 _love, em_


End file.
